So What if You Don’t Follow The Rules?
I love learning new information, I really do. But it’s not without issues. You see, as soon as someone ‘discovers’ something, it probably pushes out, overturns or disproves something I thought I knew.
Whilst it can be exciting to learn about all this new stuff, it can also be extremely unsettling.
What Actually ARE the Rules?
It’s hard to have a fixed set of rules for life when things are constantly changing, and this can be a real source of distress for people. Suddenly we’re faced with choices, options and pressures that mean a relentless adaptation of how we live, changing the work we do, the places we live, the people we connect with and the values we hold. No wonder we’re struggling with overwhelm and stress!
Us humans have a tendency to make rules to give the appearance of stability in the face of all this chaos. Often the rules are forced on us e.g. Road traffic laws, and at other times we force the rules on ourselves e.g. I’ll only eat chocolate after 6pm. However we do it, we try and bring order to our world.
What If Our Rules Don’t Match Other People’s Rules?
You only have to look at social media to observe the rich variety of perspectives that exist on any topic. Two people can have entirely opposing views, and argue them vehemently, and this too can cause distress.
This is often particularly true in relationships of any kind. Here are a couple of examples…
A parent might set a firm bedtime routine as they believe their child needs to learn good habits, and the child might interpret this as a punishment which segregates them from their family.
One friend might not be able to open the door without full make-up and dress, whereas another may happily pop to the shops in their Pjs.
The Role Of Judgement
Right from our earliest moments in life, we are judged. “He’s just like you,” “What pretty eyes,” “Is she a bit chubby?” Insiduously, the judgements get absorbed into our way of viewing ourselves, and we learn our own particular set of rules.
Often people come to therapy when the rules they are living by no longer work, or are causing them pain. Sometimes people come because they’re not even sure what or whose rules they’re following. And sometimes people recognise that they have been living by everyone else’s rules, and they no longer want to do so.
A Safe Place to Challenge The Rules
If you ever spend any time on Facebook you will have seen a poster turning of comments with an exasperated, “I only asked a simple question...” Whatever they asked had obviously upset or offended someone (or several someones). And having been shot down in flames, they often never ask anything again!
In the safe space in therapy , within the bounds of confidentiality with me, you are allowed (and encouraged) to ask the questions and challenge the rules. You can explore the rules that govern your life, and decide whether they are ones you want to continue to follow, or if you’d like to amend (or even discard) them.
It can be quite a revelation to realise that some of the rules we have been living by for decades, are not even ones we necessarily agree with when we think about it! As the daughter of a teacher and headmaster, swearing was always frowned upon in our house. My father used to say that it was evidence of a lack of vocabulary. It wasn’t until I was heading towards fifty that I found the courage to disagree. Sometimes a loud f*** is the perfect word for the situation! Does that shock you? I’d have been the same a few years ago, but now I am completely at peace at saying the words that would have had me grounded all those years ago, whenever I choose to do so.
The Effect of ‘Breaking’ The Rules
My swearing example is not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but what if what we do (or don’t do) really hurts us, or hurts others? What if we follow the restrictive rules set by an abusive partner, drink ourselves into oblivion because of peer pressure on a Friday night or hate ourselves because we can’t live up to the perfection we believe we should achieve? What if we belittle others by our words or actions, or teach our children to keep quiet instead of speaking up about things that are wrong?
I don’t see my role as therapist to point out the rules you’re living by, but to be with you as you start to see them for yourself. We might look at patterns of behaviour, and reflect on how, where and when they started, and explore how you feel about them now. Often just becoming aware that you are following these unwritten, unrecognised rules can be enough to change your way of responding, the next time you’re in that situation.
If any of this resonates with you, please WhatsApp message Helen on 0034 654065721 or email Helen@lazuli.es to book your first session.