Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and Saying No
When was the last time you said yes to doing something you didn’t want to do?
Highly Sensitive People (HSP) often find it really hard to say no, so we end up saying yes, even if it’s not what we want. (If you’re not sure if you are HSP, read this; HSP, Am I One?)
Why is it Hard to Say No?
It’s hard to say no, when you feel empathy for the other person, and can anticipate their reaction.
It’s hard to say no, when you know you are probably disappointing someone.
It’s hard to say no, when it’s something you’ve done before.
It’s hard to say no, when you feel like you’re being selfish.
Let’s look at those in more detail.
Empathy
When someone asks you to do something, they want to know how you feel about it. Of course, it would be nice if everyone always wanted to do the same thing, at the same time with the same people, but that’s just not possible. So yes, they may be disappointed, or feel sad, if you say no to whatever it is, but they’re also likely to feel relieved that you aren’t doing it just because you “should”.
People are allowed to feel emotions like disappointment and sadness, and you don’t have to stop them from feeling that way; that’s not your responsibility. If they asked you a question, then they knew there was a 50% possibility the answer would be no!
As an HSP you will be able to empathise with how that feels. You may take on their feelings as your own. As you become more aware of this pattern, you can recognise that they are not your feelings. You can feel empathy for the other person feeling sad, but also recognise that if you say yes just to please them, then it will be you that feels bad, and that’s not okay.
Just Because You Did it Once…
A long time ago, I went on holiday and decided to try out paragliding, even though I was scared of heights. I actually really enjoyed it, and was pleased I’d done it. But if you were to ask me to do it today, the answer would be no. I just don’t fancy the idea any more. I might want to in future, but today I don’t.
Just because I’ve been paragliding once, does not mean that it can be assumed that I’ll do it again. Simple. And so it is for life;
Going to a party with a friend, does not mean you’ll go to every party with that friend;
Giving someone a lift once, does not mean you have to take them every time;
Doing all the chores at home once, does not make it your responsibility alone for ever;
Lending a friend some money, does not mean you have to do that again.
“You’re Selfish”
Selfish is a word with heavy connotations. No one wants to be called selfish. But it’s hard to actually put our finger on what it is because a lot of it depends on perspective.
In therapy, we often talk about putting your own needs first. On an aeroplane, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask, before attending to anyone else’s, because if you don’t, you’ll die from lack of oxygen and then can’t help anyone.
If I was sitting next to you on the plane, struggling to breathe, watching you put your oxygen mask on, I might, at that moment, believe you to be selfish. I might not see the whole picture. I might not realise that you’ll be helping me with mine as soon as you have yours in place.
Often our self-talk about, “Being Selfish,” is just that; talk. We need to look at the bigger picture to see how true it is. We also need to consider our own needs for self-care (Read this for more on HSPs and Self-Care)
If going to that party with your friend will leave you depleted, because you’ve had a long, heavy week, then saying no is essential to your wellbeing, and not selfish.
If you want peace and quiet on your journey, then saying no to your colleague who wants a lift is important for your wellbeing, and not selfish.
If lending your sister some money will mean you don’t have enough to pay your own bills, then saying no is crucial to your wellbeing, and not selfish.
If doing all the household chores, on your own, after you’ve been busy all week, will make you exhausted and resentful, then saying no is essential to your wellbeing, and not selfish, (and you might need to apply some boundary setting for the future!)
No Justification!
More important than any of those reasons above, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. And that’s it. You know why you’re saying no, and as long as it makes sense to you, that’s enough. It’s your own decision to make, and you’re making it. You don’t have to justify it to anyone else. You don’t have to give a reason.
Practice Makes Perfect
As an HSP, you may feel uncomfortable when you say no, for all the reasons above, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it!
If people are used to you only saying yes, you might find they challenge you. That doesn’t mean you should change your answer; often our saying “yes” has made someone else’s life easier or more comfortable, to our own detriment.
Like all things, the more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes.
Sometimes, it can be helpful to have support when going through this process. If this is something you struggle with, why not get in touch so we can see if therapy might help? Please WhatsApp +34 654065721 or email helen@lazuli.es to book your first appointment.