Why Positivity is Not Always Positive

What is Positivity?

Positivity has had a resurgence, and I’m all for it, some of the time.

My first reason for writing this blog was seeing a post on Instagram that said,

“This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever this week brings.”

I love the well-intentioned idea behind this. I also know that there are many people who may read this and feel that they absolutely can’t handle what this week brings.

What if you Can’t or Shouldn’t “Handle” things?

What does it actually mean to ‘handle’ it anyway? Inherent in that word might be an idea that we should put up with it, ignore it, get on with life with a stiff upper lip, but we know that these are unhelpful coping mechanisms if we use them long-term.

There are also many people for whom it would totally inappropriate to them to ‘handle’ whatever this week brings, (think abuse, rape, racism, homophobia, pain, bullying etc. etc.)

Difficult Emotions

Having difficult, strong, painful emotions is often portrayed in the media as something to be avoided at all cost. Unfortunately, as humans, it is just as important for us to feel the strong, painful and difficult emotions as the joyful, positive ones, however uncomfortable it might feel. And if you’re a highly sensitive person, (Not sure? Read this!) you probably experience a huge range of emotions even when times are not particularly challenging.

Those feelings are there for a reason, they can tell us that something is not right, that things need to change, that it is not alright to continue as we are. If we ignore these big emotions, push them away and ignore them, they will come back in some other form; perhaps anxiety, depression, addiction, a feeling of hopelessness or worthlessness or, at worst, a feeling that our life is no longer worth living.

When Positivity Isn’t Positive

And that’s where the problem lies with the positivity push; positivity is great, in the right circumstances and when it makes our life better. Positivity is not positive when it makes us feel like we’re not allowed to be sad, distressed, unhappy, hurt..., or that we will instantly feel better by trying to find ‘the bright side.’ Positivity is not positive when it gives us unrealistic expectations or makes us feel bad for being human.

I often ask people to see if they can think of three things to be grateful for. For many people this is a healthy, positive thing to do, and that’s great, but I want to make it really clear that it is also completely normal, and not a failure, if you can’t find things to be grateful for right now.

So what can you do if you feel like you can’t handle this week, and have nothing to be thankful for?

You are Not Alone

The first is to recognise that you are not alone. There are many, many others thinking exactly the way you do.

The next is to recognise that you are feeling big emotions, and try to name them. This can help in many ways; if you can name your emotions accurately, there’s more chance of working out what to do. A good example of this might be watching a toddler having a tantrum; whilst they might look really angry, if you can recognise that they are actually also feeling tired, scared, or hungry, you have more chance of fulfilling their needs.

These emotions are giving you information about what’s going on in your life. There might be any number of causes, e.g. work issues, relationship problems, health issues, feeling like you don’t fit in, not having a sense of purpose or meaning, not being listened to… and a million other possibilities. And it is completely natural to have big emotions when coping with any of those million situations.

Looking after Ourselves

It can also be helpful to think about how you are treating yourself, as a person struggling with big emotions. This is often when we are far better at helping our friends than ourselves! Whereas we might listen lovingly to a friend in difficulty, give them a hug and make them a cuppa, what we often do when it’s us that’s having a hard time is criticise, belittle and tell ourselves off. Learning how to care for ourselves at least as well as we care for others, is crucial. If you’d like to know more about self-care for highly sensitive people, read this.

Finally, you can ask for support; if you’d like to start therapy with me, please WhatsApp message on +34 654065721 or email helen@lazuli.es.